I'm just writing this so I can put 'published author' on a resume. Hopefully I get around to actually submitting legitimate stories soon.
Just to make the excuse better, I'll actually put a bad poem here:
He sat
He published
He made a resume
He questioned his life
Then he took a nap
If you read this far, I apologize for the above torture. If it's any consolation, it pained me as well.